Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
