Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
