We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
