I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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