You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
this hospital has no fireball
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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