so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
