Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
