I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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