The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
