Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
