I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
