I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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