i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
