I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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