what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
