the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
