I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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