She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
BRING THE BAGELS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
