oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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