just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
