I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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