hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
