Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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