probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
