I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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