based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
