I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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