Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
