WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
barbara walters just said penis...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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