Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
