I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
