I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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