So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
