I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
