at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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