I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
