I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
