I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
