I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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