maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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