theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
