Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
