You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
