By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
