Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
