next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
