I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
