i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
