I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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