hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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