I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
